there's a purple suspicion...

never forget who you are, little star

2009-02-03T21:06:00.000-08:00

My sister gave me permission to take my only niece (and goddaughter) to her first concert! She turns 11 tomorrow and I'm calling to break the news. I'll be in Colorado on Tax Day to take her to the Believers Never Die: Part Deux tour with Fall Out Boy, Cobra Starship, Metro Station, Hey Monday and All Time Low.

She wrote this poem and gave to me for Christmas:

Luv U 4ever,
My Big Star!

Loud music caresses our minds.
We jam out to the Gods and Goddesses of music,
Letting the rhythm
Take over our fragile bodies.

As you show me the joys of our
Sacred lives,
I am all smiles.

The tight strings that hold me back
Finally burst,
I let go and feel freedom like
Never before.

Though our physical homes are
Great leaps and bounds apart,
You will always have a special place
In my heart,
And home in my mind.

I keep these timeless memories,
Stranded in my big web of what we call
Life.

It is you who has shown me to laugh,
and the gardener who sprouted
My great love for music.

I love you,
You will always have
A very special place in my heart.

Your Little Star!

The poem was on purple paper with snow art, and of course, a 0(+>. She did it all in school as part of a poetry unit. Like this:

calling me by my name

2009-01-24T01:05:00.000-08:00

or... a big gay vegas wedding cake (brilliant new video from the killers)

Spaceman

i think it's time for a walkabout

2009-01-24T00:05:00.000-08:00

yeah, so much going on, so much of it not good and not a reflection of who i am or how i want to live. and i feel completely lost within it all, as though there is nothing i can do to change it. new job? back to school? i just don't know, except that there is more. i know there is more than whatever all this bullshit is. maybe my man Baz Luhrmann has got it right, and i just need this...

...and ZOMG as I was previewing the post i realized that the hand in the water with the sparkly shinies totally echoes wendy and lisa's white flags of winter chimneys.

The Promise of a New Day (2.0)

2009-01-20T10:13:00.000-08:00

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA!

But let us begin

2009-01-20T00:44:00.000-08:00

Oh happy, historic day.

All this will not be finished in the first 100 days. Nor will it be finished in the first 1,000 days, nor in the life of this Administration, nor even perhaps in our lifetime on this planet. But let us begin.

In your hands, my fellow citizens, more than in mine, will rest the final success or failure of our course. Since this country was founded, each generation of Americans has been summoned to give testimony to its national loyalty. The graves of young Americans who answered the call to service surround the globe.

Finally, whether you are citizens of America or citizens of the world, ask of us the same high standards of strength and sacrifice which we ask of you. With a good conscience our only sure reward, with history the final judge of our deeds, let us go forth to lead the land we love, asking His blessing and His help, but knowing that here on earth God's work must truly be our own.

- John F. Kennedy, January 20, 1961

NYT: Inaugural words: 1789 to present

your choreography has imagination...

2009-01-04T23:01:00.000-08:00

While I didn't get anywhere as far as I hoped this weekend on getting my cds into itunes, i did do a fair amount and have had loads of fun reliving my musical past. most of them i just burn and run, but a few catch my ear and I have to listen. Tonight it was the Bright Lights, Big City soundtrack. It opens with "Good Love", a solo Prince track that really kicks ass and leads into New Order's "True Faith." Also features Bryan Ferry, Depeche Mode, Donald Fagen, Narada Michael Walden, and M/A/R/R/S (Pump Up The Volume)... Totally takes me back to seeing the movie in the summer of 1988 at downtown Denver's AMC Tivoli 12 Theaters - same place I saw Under the Cherry Moon and Steel Magnolias. Years later I was a manager there.

The other cd that I listened to beginning to end was Vanity's Wild Animal, her first solo album after leaving Vanity 6. It's a kooky crazy pop/rock/r&b blend with lots of nonsensical lyrics, a couple of great songs, and lots and lots of sex -- including vampire sex and gorilla love -- oh and just to be clear, there was no Prince involvement in this pretty mess. I just love love love the whole album as a piece of true 80's crazy sexy cool. Morris Day guested on Mechanical Emotion.

begin again

2009-01-02T10:56:00.000-08:00

okay, some resolutions/goals/musings for this year:

Get organized! Specifically: get all cds into itunes library (see below post), organize bookshelves by topic, do laundry once a week, handle mail as it arrives, make and stick to a budget!

Walk dog every day!

Lose 10 pounds by March 31. No sodapop -- though a little ponyboy is always fine! Need to figure out some more specific dietary guidelines and exercise routine.

7 new tattoos by years end, mostly on music arm, starting spirit arm.

Finish one original screenplay w/Lake, one on my own.

Write here at least 4 times a week.

Church/religion -- ??? -- need to figure something out here. Longing for something, increasing feeling pulled back to the Church, but still full of questionssssssss...

the promise of a new day

2009-01-01T22:17:00.000-08:00

yesterday i started loading all of my old cds from books into my itunes. i want to get all of them in by the end of the weekend. there is so much music, most of it from the late 80's up through the mid-90's that i haven't listened to in a long long time. like the first 2 Paula Abdul albums, or the Commodores, whose greatest hits i'm listening to right now.

the first cds i had i got for Christmas in 1987 - Prince's Sign o' the Times and Fleetwood Mac's Tango in the Night. Those actual cds are both still in my collection. Batman was the first Prince cd that I bought first and only on cd, it was also the first time that I bought a Prince album the day it came out -- a tradition I held up until 3121 was released in 2006 -- I was doing a Lenten Prince cleanse, and I also didn't really care so much.

Anyway, this importing of the cds has turned into an unexpected resolution of sorts to get myself organized and not so scattered. I'm consolidating 3 itunes libraries at the same time, and looking forward to having all of my music in one place for the first time in years.

white flags of winter chimneys

2008-12-13T18:14:00.000-08:00

this is a piece i wrote for out.com's popnography about Wendy & Lisa and their new album:

You may think you don't know Wendy and Lisa, but you've definitely heard them. As resident keyboardist (Lisa Coleman) and guitarist (Wendy Melvoin) in Prince's Revolution, they helped define both his sound and persona at his heyday, adding the only truly gay element to his apparently omnisexual universe. They left the purple fold in 1986 for their own pop career. It never fully launched -- they wanted to make pop-rock-funk music in a pre-Lilith Fair world where record labels were more interested in them as scantily clad "Prince women" than as real musicians.

But if labels weren't biting, plenty of artists were -- over the last 20 years, together or independently, Wendy and Lisa played on, composed, and/or produced songs and records for Sheryl Crow, Gwen Stefani, Seal, Madonna, Joni Mitchell, OK Go, Lucinda Williams, Neil Finn, Lisa Germano, Me'shell Ndegeocello, Robb Thomas, Grace Jones and others. Their day job is as composers of the score for NBC's Heroes, with plans to release a score on CD in the spring.

White Flags of Winter Chimneys is their first album in 10 years -- their last outing was 1998's Girl Bros., an elegiac tribute to both the death of Wendy's brother Jonathon and the end of their own romantic relationship. White Flags is loaded with Lisa's melodic piano and Wendy's steely guitar, shifting from dreamy ballads to uptempo pop and rock numbers with ease, sometimes within the same song. Their lyrics reflect a maturity and vitality of two women secure in their lives and settled into some sort of rock 'n' roll domesticity -- Lisa married her longtime girlfriend in October and Wendy's longtime partner is film director Lisa Cholodenko.

"What you believe in is what I fear," Wendy sings in the rocking "Invisible," possibly an open letter to "the purple Republican," as Lisa called Prince after he shared his religious views with the New Yorker. The standout track is the nine-minute closer "Sweet Suite (Beginning at the End)," which opens as a simple piano track to segue into a reprise of the opener "Balloon" before exploding into a lush orchestration reminiscent of the end credits of a Hollywood tearjerker.

When all is said and done, Wendy and Lisa stand head and shoulders above their former boss Prince (I'm trying to resist the short joke here) and prove they are capable of maintaining a signature sound without sounding dated. White Flags of Winter Chimneys is available exclusively at wendyandlisa.com.

http://www.popnography.com/2008/12/hummer-wendy-li.html

anticipation is making me wait...

2008-12-05T14:25:00.000-08:00

@wendyandlisa it's COMING.................................

Next week we may see the release of Wendy and Lisa's first album in over 10 years. We keep getting updates/teasers via twitter, but a statement posted on their official facebook page two weeks ago said to expect a December release. So I keep waiting and expecting.

It dawned on me the other day that in the whole pantheon of Prince associated artists, Wendy and Lisa are the only gays. All the androgyny, gender bending, rule breaking play from Prince's Royal Court back in the day and only 2 gays to show for it. Or at least only 2 who are out. Kudos to them for that!

She's not me, she doesn't have my name

2008-12-05T14:02:00.000-08:00

So I have a google alert set for Wendy and Lisa. That means I get a daily update of internet postings about Wendy and Lisa. The only problem is, 99% of what it finds are everyday, run-of-the-mill Wendy and Lisas, not THE Wendy and Lisa. But I always scan the blurbs with the thought that it may actually be them, which sometimes gives me a little chuckle. Here's one:

Others say Lisa is mentally ill and insist she is a danger to her two children and their friends.

Child advocate Wendy Murphy, a lawyer, says: "This case is the essence of child exploitation, because he's in the throes of puberty...

Actual story, not funny. Imagining Lisa seducing a 17-year-old boy, funny. Wendy being her opposing attorney, funny.

It's been 7 hours and 13 days

2008-09-28T20:25:00.000-07:00

As of today I haven't had any alcohol or coffee for two weeks. Wow. It's an impromptu cleanse that was borne out of being sick, and then stuck. Not sure how long it'll be around, but right now I'm just rolling with it.

queriendo, necesitando, esperando

2008-09-26T21:38:00.001-07:00

One of the earliest tattoos I thought about getting was this:

poor is the man
whose pleasures depend
on the permission of another

It was going to be in courier, left justified on my left shoulder blade, just the way it popped up in the closing frames of the "Justify My Love" video. As I have added more tattoos and started thinking about other pieces to come, this one fell off the plate when I started thinking about a larger piece on my back. In fact, I had forgotten the idea until I was talking to someone about what I want to do on my back. Then last night, in my trip through videos Madonna subtitulados, I see this:

pobre es el hombre
cuyos placeres dependen
del permiso de otro

I kinda LOVE it! I think it's a tattoo that's now back on the plate -- but not as I originally imagined. Aside from being in Spanish, I think it will be in more of a script font and centered. Not up on my shoulder blade, either -- possibly right above my ass and below the Maverick tattoo? Hmm... decisions, decisions.

Also, last night for the first time I wondered if Madonna wrote those lines. We all know the "Ingrid-Chavez-
wrote-the-lyrics-and-gave-them-to-Lenny-Kravitz-and-Lenny-didn't-tell-Madonna" story, but Madonna does have an "additional lyrics" credit. Those are the only lines that aren't intrinsically part of the song, even though they do perfectly capture the theme of unbridled fantasy. And they do it in a way that is soooooooo Madonna, particularly Madonna of 1990, "Permission? Fuck you! I don't need to ask for no permission!"

Entiendo means I get it

2008-09-26T21:09:00.000-07:00

Watching Almodovar movies always reminds me of a few things:

a) it's hard to casually watch a movie with subtitles, even one i've seen many many times
b) i fucking love his scores - always!!!*
c) gotdamn i want to live in Barcelona, seriously
d) i really need to be fluent en espanol
e) i want to write a script loaded with powerful women
f) Sapic (sa-peek) is a great name for a dog!

*The first score I fell in love with was from High Heels. I found the cd at a used shop in Old Town Pasadena on a visit out here in '95 or '96 (the other cd I bought that day was a collection of Pansy Division singles, including their cover of Prince's Jack U Off). Anyway, along with the score I fell in love with the song Piensa en Mi, written by renowned Spanish songwriter Agustin Lara (I might name a son Agustin, I like that name) and recorded by Luz Casal. In the movie, the visual of the song is performed by Marisa Paredes -- one of the amazingly brilliant women featured in Almodovar works. Before tonight, courtesy of my new best friend, I had never seen Luz Casal, and boy is she a heck of a lot younger than I expected! Here's the video, with clips of Luz, Marisa and co-star Victoria Abril:

oh yeah, this is what she's singing (warning: HIGH drama!):

Piensa En Mí
(Think of Me)

If you have a deep wave of pain
Think of me
If you feel like you're going to cry
Think of me

You know that I worship your divine image
Your childlike mouth
Taught me to sin

Think of me
When you kiss
And when you cry
Think also of me

If you want
Take my life away from me
I don't want it for anything
It's useless to me
Without you

Como una oracion

2008-09-25T22:36:00.000-07:00

Something I love to do in my head is try to translate songs into Spanish. I never get past a few simple lines because that's about the level of my Spanish speaking ability: a few simple lines. Still, it's something I do with a lot of songs, but I tend to especially try to do it to Madonna songs. Maybe because she has released a couple of her ballads in Spanish versions? I don't know. At any rate, today I somehow stumbled onto an assload of youtube clips of Madonna videos with Spanish subtitles (or subtitulado)!!! Now I can learn the actual lyrics! A few seem to be done to accommodate singing along, and others are straight up translations with no attempt to fit the tune.

La vida en un misterio
todos deben estar solos
te escucho llamar mi nombre
y me siento como en casa

damelo a mi! si!

podemos estar juntos?
realmente quiero estar contigo
ven, mirarlo conmigo
espero, espero que tu sientas lo mismo

queriendo, necesitando, esperando
por ti
para que justifiques mi amor
deseando, orando,
por ti
para que justifiques mi amor

remember my name!

2008-09-17T23:59:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of weeks, Los Angeles has been sucking up all of that Hope that led me to tears back at Mile High with Barack Obama on 08/28/08. Work is going at full-crazy speed, landlords are fucking with me and my dog, the man just turned me down for another job-that-I-don't-really-want-but-it-comes-with-a-big-fat-paycheck-and-juicy-benefits, I just realized the cold I thought I've had for the last four days is my biennial bout with tonsillitis, and I live in the 4th most stressful city in the nation. It all makes me want to go scream "F-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-C-K!!!!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs in the face of anyone stupid enough to support Sarah Palin. But I come from the obedient Latino side of the fence, not the loud crazy one, so I swallow it (along with the high blood pressure, acid reflux and depression pills that make the swallowing possible).

Then tonight, I go to a screening of Fame at the cult theater as part of an AFI program. Somehow I have managed to be the only music loving homo who grew up in the 80's and never saw the movie. What? I KNOW! Anyway, it was a field trip for the commune that S found. (YAY S! YAY COMMUNE!) Unbeknownst to me, Debbie Allen was there to introduce the movie. Following the immediate standing ovation at her presence, she told us about the power of the movie, and how many performing arts schools were opened all around the world because of it. And she reminded/asked us to be a part of that circle of creativity and positivity that makes the world a better place to be in. Then the lights went down and I saw a movie I wish I would have seen 28-years-ago. I wonder if my life would have been any different if I had seen a gay teenager on screen before I was one myself. Or if I thought that following the arts was a real way to lead a life. Who knows, right? And my favorite Madonna line remains, "Absolutely no regrets." So fuck what I didn't see, know, or think then. I know what I know now, I know who I am and what I want to be when I grow up. Or at least some semblance of it -- enough to keep on keeping on! Thanks to Fame, my life feels about 1000 times better than it did when I walked through those theater doors.

...there but for the grace of God go i
i'll pretend i'm not afraid to die
if there's a heaven i will apply
I'M NOT CRAZY!
but i believe in butterflies,
dreams that die should be a big surprise
life is my favorite nursery rhyme
i'm not afraid of the big bad wolf!
from Staring at the Sun by Wendy and Lisa

Oh yeah, there's always this to be thankful for...

when the deep purple falls

2008-09-14T22:09:00.000-07:00

my first love of purple...

oh, i loved me some Donny Osmond. My cousin Michelle and I would play Donny and Marie albums and perform along with them. I -- shock here -- always wanted to sing the Marie part. That hair of his sure does remind me of my favorite gay mormon. And the cut-out that opens this clip could easily double for bden: Another Deep Purple.

Loved this song, it was also one of the albums we had. The cover was pictures of them dressed in white, in little charm frames like in the start of the video.

i'm going to Mile High!

2008-08-28T09:49:00.000-07:00

My dad woke me up a couple of hours ago to tell me tickets came through for us to go the speech! I'm sooooo excited!!!! Planned my trip here in hopes of this and tickets hadn't worked out yet.

It's been a great week here in Denver just hanging out downtown, watching a lot of the MSNBC tapings and being around like-minded people. If Denver always felt this vibrant I'd totally move back here -- except for the the 6 months of winter. Anyway... Ill be twittering away!!!

OBAMA 2008!!!

music can be such a revelation... this is my religion

2008-08-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

High Holy Day Alert: Our Lady of Perpetual Indulgent Perfection today reaches the half-century mark of her worldly existence. I honor the woman who put the mad in madartista with some favorite pics and text exchanges with a long time friend and my mom.

el madartista: Life is a mystery... With love, honor & respect on this Holy Day of Obligation: Happy 50th, Madonna

Rhonda: For the love of Pete*! I'm not celebrating that crazy woman's birthday! :)

m: You mock my religion!

R: I mock - I scorn - I laugh out loud!!!

m: Your intolerance is appalling and hurtful, not to mention blasphemous!

R: What happens when she gets divorced? Fasting and gnashing of the teeth? Wailing in the streets?

m: Adherents only concern ourselves with her divine nature, not the earthly fallible side. Fasting, gnashing & wailing is reserved for her passing (and the release of "Hard Candy").

R: Hah! Yeah well - Like A Virgin To You.

m: See, you get it! Amen.

* Note: No, she's not referring to Little Lord Wentz.

el madartista: Life is a mystery... With love, honor & respect on this Holy Day of Obligation: Happy 50th, Madonna

Mom: Yesterday was a holy day of obligation. Did you go to mass?

m: Really? For Madonna?

Mom: Shame on you! If u were here i would spank u, that is sacrilegious. Ur never to old to spank.

m: What? It was the Assumption, right? That's Madonna.

take another line, you'll feel fine

2008-08-12T11:10:00.000-07:00

the problem with not writing on a regular basis is that it makes really hard to dive in. i've been trying to write a post about Streets of Fire for like three weeks now. Sheesh. Anyway, I figure a couple more pointless posts like this and the below are good warm ups. And that, in turn, makes them not so pointless.

yes, hello

2008-08-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

we're back.
and we're taking calls.
now what was the question?

applause-applause

2008-06-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

OMG. This is soooooooo much better than the empty mea culpa's and stints in rehab that most people do. Ladies, gents & faggots, I give u Josh Homme of Queens of the Stone:

"Member of the Peanut Gallery:

Some journalists & citizens on the internet & are wondering: Q? Am I a homophobe because I included a slang for gay in with other "acceptable" curse words during a verbal lashing I gave a young concertgoer, after being hit by his shoe, during a show the other day? A= Nope. My gay family & friends, as well as myself, KNOW I am not a homophobe. For years now I've known gay is not a choice; one's skin color doesn't determine one's intelligence level; & red hair doesn't mean you're someone's stepchild. You see, it's not the words, it's their intent. I never said, nor suggested, that being gay is wrong, but apparently, based on your outrage to my flu-infused rant, you do! By that logic… I also told that young whipper snapper I'd have anal sex with him… how can I possibly reconcile these opposing viewpoints? I called him a pussy too. Does it mean I hate our one worlds' collective vagina? I never have been nor intend to be politically correct. That's your cross to bear. To me, that PC world would suck more shit than the porta-potty truck at Glastonbury. Homophobic? I'm in Queens of the Stone Age for crissake… You say, "So. Your band name doesn't prove anything." Maybe not. But it's a helluv a lot more definitive than the logic of some watchdog… (sorry canine-American, canine-European, canine-African, canine-Australian & canine-Asian) moralist, keeping score from pure perfectionville? If your glass house is squeegeed that clean & you need to do something, do what the great philosopher Bill Hick's once suggested: — forgive me–. Or don't. I'm not asking for either, OK? I think you should let both of your cheeks go loose so the stick will drop out. Either way I expect that you'll soon find another injustice from your chair, then roll to your bullhorn & point it out to the rest of us… Because you're so above it all. Or If you'll allow me to translate a wish of mine into your PC lingo:
Will you please go have, consensual, sex with yourself.
Pretty please with all natural, carbon offset sugar on top.

Sincerely,
Mr. Missundastood
A.K.A. Joshua, Baby Duck, Jho
Head Choreographer & Do Stuff Corporation's pansexual spokes-thing"

rainbow children, u got to rise up!

2008-06-20T20:27:00.000-07:00

renascent \rih-NAS-uhnt\, adjective: Springing or rising again into being; showing renewed vigor.

Nice word, huh? Re-invention, rebirth, renaissance.

Kick it up a notch and let's get into some transformative alchemical bump & grind.

That is, if you know how to bump & grind.

Do ya, do ya?

a sixth sense

2008-06-18T22:08:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning I'm going to a job interview. My sixth. At the same place. Yeah, sixth. I applied for a position in December. Let's hope this one seals the deal.

Hail Mary...

And hot damn isn't bden just too damn beautiful? Geesh! Sometimes, it's painful...

say yes

2008-06-16T23:36:00.000-07:00

I have several drafts in my blogger dashboard trying to explain what Panic at the Disco means to me, and how and why they have quickly ascended to the level heretofore reserved for Prince, Madonna, Wendy & Lisa. Words continue to fail me. I try to explain that That Green Gentleman is my new Purple Rain. I try to explain that something this band does in their music and presentation speaks to me in a way that no artist has in years (ever?). While I don't know how to say what I want to say, I do know this: on Friday the 13th, I saw one of the best concerts I've ever seen. It was a live show that had me dancing with glee, singing, cheering, screaming, crying and sometimes just staring in awe at what was before me. That's what I know.

And I know the Saturday show did much of the same, and Sunday found me at the Purple Panther with Ace, adding a piece to my music tribute arm.

20 years after Lovesexy, Pretty. Odd. is what it's all about. I think reinventing love is a pretty close cousin to the feeling u get when u fall in love not with a girl or boy but with the heavens above. Lovesexy. Say yes. Say yes, yes, yes. And your own Lovesexy will be born.

Happy 50th, mon frere. We'll always have '88!

just woke up from a fuzzy dream

2008-06-13T11:21:00.000-07:00

the scope:

An intense and emotional dream could move you so powerfully that you awaken with the odd sense that the dream was real. Write it down, dear Scorpio. Maybe it is! Efforts to overcome obstacles and advance yourself business wise could be finally paying off, and you might be walking around in a daze asking yourself if it's really happened. It has! Make the most of it! And don't be afraid to reveal your feelings to others.

dance in the rain

2008-06-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

Off to Vegas today for the start of Panic Part 2, catching the last 2 shows of the Honda Civic Tour (Vegas tonight, Anaheim tomorrow). Back in April we saw the first 2 shows at The Warfield in San Francisco. Our original crew was slightly dismantled (boo!), but the remainders and one newbie will carry the legacy.

Not planning to end up with a tattoo out of this venture.

maybe u're just like my mother

2008-06-13T09:28:00.000-07:00

Got this e-mail from Mom the other day:

Chris, how do I see the portrait? I clicked on the website, but nothing happened. By the way, watch your language, I read your purple suspicion. The "f" word used a little too frequently.
Mom

:) I counted and the day she sent it, the "f" word (not faggot) was on the front page twice. I think that's pretty light, as much as I like to use it! But I know that once is too much for my mom. Actually, before this e-mail arrived, I had a dream that Mom was reading a newsletter from that place where I used to work and an article about its leader. I grabbed it and said, "I fucking hate him, he's a fucking jerk!" And in the dream, my mom didn't react to that AT ALL. When I woke, I knew that the universe was telling me I did the right thing if leaving. If Mom wasn't upset by 1) me hating someone; or 2) actually saying the "f" word (twice!), then everything must be okay!

Bit by bit, putting it together

2008-05-29T08:17:00.001-07:00

I wake this morning realizing I had a perfect day yesterday, which began with this Twitter from Japhy79:

Old View: Life as journey. New View: Life as process. Where you are headed is less interesting than the means that gets you there.

That pretty much set the tone for the full, rewarding day that found time for all I wanted to do. Check it out:

Got in some good doggie play time with Reading before delivering cough drops to Shana and watching a slew of gay Bden clips. That alone, makes for a great day, and it was barely nine in the early a.m. Andrea showed up early so I didn't make coffee, water the lawn, or grab the checkbook so I could mail rent check -- all bad things, yes, but resolved. Keep reading.

Andrea and I stop for coffee. (Problem #1 solved. See?) L.A. Times 'scope says "Scorpio , you're headed in directions even you don't know. Get ready."

Uneventful work morning, highlighted by hiring a Post Accountant, the one task that lingered from last week and logging in to AIM for the first time since I left that other place. Caught up with some other F.A.G.'s. Talk to shrink and resolve to take a break while I'm in transitional/unpredictable work situation and sans automobile. Check.

Leave loving birthday message for Mom when I can't find her at home or on cell, only to have Goddaughter call ten minutes later to tell me about her presentation on Oklahoma. No, she didn't sing a song from the musical, like I asked, but did wear a Sooners cheerleader outfit to the chagrin of the straight uncle. She then passes phone on to Mom, from birthday lunch at the Olive Garden.

Spend afternoon on festival details for Karlovy, Provincetown, San Antonio and apps for Spain. Segue into job #2, babysitting the 2 girls. Uneventful evening with no crying, teething, poopy diapers, or misbehaving. Good chat with Jamie on the ride home, then on to...

Dinner at the Guilty Pleasure duplex -- yummy as always and good "growing up" stories, which ultimately lead retires to the living room and... Panic videos. YAY!!! I partake for only a few minutes (a definite exercise in self-discipline) and off to...

A brisk walk around the hood with Reading after a call from Mom after she heard the loving message left earlier in the day. Back to the house to water the lawn, throw down some more seed (uh, grass seed. gross.), trim rosebushes and trees, rearrange patio furniture.

Back inside to catch up on personal e-mails/facebook/myspace and a few work e-mails, too. Quality time at prince.org hitting all the usuals: religion, Prince, Wendy, Madonna. Wrap up with the preceding 3 posts on this here blog, which had been sadly neglected for a couple of weeks. (Okay, months, I know.)

And today I'm mailing the rent check I just wrote. Done and done.

Let the joy be in the doing, not in the end -- Mother Teresa

the place where John was born

2008-05-29T02:50:00.000-07:00

May 29, 1917

everybody gets there and everybody gets their way

2008-05-29T00:55:00.000-07:00

How have I not posted this yet? Truly, a brilliant video. And I was at the shoot. It was this day.

til the end of time...

2008-05-29T00:36:00.000-07:00

If i wrote down the posts in my head, you would already know:

1) American Idol finale reminded me that George Michael made me gay. (He also made me start smoking, but whatever.)

2) This week is the one year anniversary of seeing Stevie Nicks live for the first time.

3) There was a third thing I wanted to write about and promised myself I wouldn't forget. Fuck it!

u want me to write my name on your walls...

2008-05-16T13:40:00.001-07:00

To a Prince fan, "writing a name on your walls" means, well, it means that you're a top. Today I finally threw in the towel and joined the Facebook world at the encouragement of Jamie. Those yahoos over there have some other wall writing. While Prince's wall writing is definitely more fun, this one doesn't look too bad. We'll see...

2night we make love with only words
Girls first, girls first

OK, so like first
I will start by telling U how smart and intelligent a curve your behind has
And then I can tell U that I can just smell U
And racecars burn rubber in my pants
But I really dig trippin' on the thought of being caught
By somebody with your beauty, style and grace
Baby, I don't care
I would rip out my hair 4 just 2 nights with your face (Lovesexy)
I don't wanna make love 2 U
I just wanna look at U
I just wanna listen 2 U, uh, uh

Oh, pretty little whip, U got me drippin'
Drippin' all over the floor, the floor
If I come back as a woman
I want a body like yours, a body like yours
Living rooms?
I think, I think U would
I think U wanna play house
Yeah, I think U wanna play house (Lovesexy)
U don't mind
I think U… uh
I think U want me 2 f… {beep} inside of U
Yea, yeah, I... (Lovesexy)
U want me 2 sit around your living room, ha ha
Yeah, U...U want me 2 walk right down your halls
Mm hmm (Lovesexy)
U want me 2 swivel in your love seat
D-don't U, baby?
U want me 2 write my name on your walls
U want me 2 write my name on… (Lovesexy)

We make love with only words
I'll make love 2 U… 2morrow

sunny day, everything's a-ok

2008-05-16T13:15:00.000-07:00

Today I am a week out from my last day at the last place. Damn it feels good. Not only being gone from there, but not being tied down to a 9 to 5 for the minute. I'm "working", but it doesn't feel like work. Submitting a movie to festivals and tying up the loose ends that come at the end of a film project. I'm in an air conditioned office that overlooks the backyard pool. Not a bad stopping point for a spell.

fuck em if they can't take a joke

2008-05-15T23:58:00.000-07:00

Cobra Starship, Guilty Pleasure

let's fall in love, get married, have a baby

2008-05-15T11:23:00.000-07:00

From page 79 of the California Supreme Court's ruling on same-sex marriage:

Accordingly, we concluded that the right to marry, as embodied in article 1, sections 1 and 7 of the California Constitution, guarantees same-sex couples the same substantive constitutional rights as opposite-sex couples to choose one's life partner and enter with that person into a committed, officially recognized, and protected family relationship that enjoys all of the constitutionally based incidents of marriage.

Ah, to feel wholly recognized. And human. Kinda fucking cool.

NY Post: Raw Panic Steals the Show

2008-05-11T12:06:00.000-07:00

By DAN AQUILANTE
May 10, 2008 -- A youthful vibe reigned at the Honda Civic Tour at the Roseland Ballroom Thursday night as fresh- faced fans rocked out to optimistic music played by Motion City Soundtrack, Phantom Planet and headliner Panic at the Disco.

With low alcohol consumption (most of the crowd was under 21) the party was fueled by music, dancing and togetherness.

All of the acts played well, but clearly the night belonged to the Las Vegas rockers Panic at the Disco.

Theirs was an abbreviated set, but they made the time count with well-selected songs tapped from their '05 debut, "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out," and the recently released "Pretty. Odd." There were no missteps or snoozy lulls.

The show opened up with "We're So Starving," a theatrical song wherein the band talks directly to the fans, telling them Panic has been off writing new songs - but not to fret, because they're still the same.

Wrong. Panic is better than it's ever been. In fact, this "Sgt. Pepper"-spiced opening song - as well as the band's growing dependence on psychedelic sonics - made you feel the weight of The Beatles' influence on this group.

In contrast to the layered arrangements of the new record, Panic's live show is streamlined to a rawer sound. That hardly dampened their enthusiasm for waving the Fab Four's freak flag, especially on "Do You Know What I'm Seeing?" and the night's showstopper, "Northern Downpour."

The band, which originally bowed with a gimmicky, makeup-heavy production, has evolved into a stunningly good live band, confident in themselves as musicians and in the quality of their songs. They're still underrated, but with shows like this - and an album like "Pretty. Odd." - that will change fast.

I'm not in Love

2008-05-05T23:56:00.000-07:00

Old school jam of the hour:

10cc, I'm Not in Love

I love love love this song and have since I was like 6! And I love covers of it, from the Pretenders to whoever covered it on The Next Best Thing soundtrack. But the original is always golden.

I wanna go where everyone goes

2008-05-05T22:55:00.000-07:00

This morning I was driving to work listening to my "Panic Meet the Prince" mix and realized I didn't grab my work keys. Well, since they're not really my keys anymore and I should have turned them in Friday and I would probably need them to train the FNG, I decided to turn around. I took a right on a street I'd never been on and found this awesome classic L.A. street with perfectly lined super tall palm trees on both sides of the street, and the Griffith Observatory off in the distance.

And work feels kinda great as a consultant. It just doesn't really matter anymore. 20 hours to go!

Had Thai at a hole-in-the-wall for dinner (with a Corona in honor of Cinco de Mayo!) and my (Chinese) fortune cookie said, "You are going in the right direction." Yay affirmation!

but it's better if you do.

2008-05-04T21:30:00.000-07:00

Tonight I told my mom, the perennial worrier, that I quit my job. She responded as such, "you sound better than you did before, so it must be a good thing." Not the reaction I was expecting in the least. Things really are shaping up to be pretty odd. Yeah, I'm on my way.

In other news, my commitment to myself in leaving that place and taking positive steps is to write here every day. Even if only one sentence about my day, I need to do it. Kabbalah tune-ups don't count.

Oh, and why in the hell haven't I posted any of these yet???

miles away

2008-05-04T14:02:00.000-07:00

I just woke up from a fuzzy dream
You never would believe those things that I had seen
I looked in the mirror and I saw your face
You looked right through me, you were miles away

All my dreams they fade away
I'll never be the same
If you could see me the way you see yourself
I can't pretend to be someone else

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we're at our best when we're miles away

So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away

When no one's around then I have you here
I begin to see the picture, it becomes so clear
You always have the biggest heart,
When we're six thousand miles apart

Too much of no sound
Uncomfortable silence can be so loud
Those three words are never enough
When it's long distance love

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we’re at our best when we're miles away

So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away

I'm alright, don't be sorry, but it's true
When I'm gone you'll realize
That I'm the best thing that happened to you

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we're at our best when we're miles a-a-away...

You always love me more, miles away
I hear it in your voice, we're miles away
You're not afraid to tell me, miles away
I guess we're at our best when we're miles away

So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away
So far away

on reinventing love...

2008-04-28T22:46:00.000-07:00

I've been pretty lax about reading the Kabbalah daily tune-ups for the last couple of months, as I've let work eat up too much of my energy and focus. The good news is that all of that energy ultimately got channeled to my realizing I had to get the fuck out of dodge. My last day is Friday. Best "job-job" I've ever had, but time's change, as do organizations, and sometimes not for the better. I don't know exactly what's next, but I'm really excited about moving in a new direction. I'm ready.

What is the purpose of your relationships? Besides fulfilling you and helping you correct your soul, how is the world benefiting?

Relationships can be eternal if we create things with our friends and loved ones. Maybe it's starting a neighborhood project or organizing a fund drive or writing a book. It's the most satisfying thing to work on something with other people, especially if it's something spiritual.

Today, focus on your most important relationship and brainstorm with that person about ways in which the world can benefit from your unique connection.

-Yehuda Berg

I guess I shoulda known...

2008-04-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

That Prince would kick ass at Coachella. We all know he can, but it's always a question of what's his headspace at the moment and which way is he going to take the show. I think he pulled it off.

Wow. Love what he's doing here on guitar.

trip the station change the channel

2008-04-03T09:19:00.000-07:00

I've been bad about reading the Daily Kabbalah Tune-ups myself, much less reposting them. Now I'm ready to "flip the switch" and reconnect.

We flip the Light on in our lives when we identify, uproot, and transform our reactive, negative characteristics. It is the degree of change in our nature that determines the measure of our fulfillment. It is the transformation from reactive to proactive that reveals spiritual Light.

Today, review what you perceive to be your negative characteristics. How could you utilize them to reveal more Light in your life?

things are shaping up 2 be pretty odd.

2008-03-24T13:35:00.001-07:00

what if Madonna was inducted into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame and I didn't even know the ceremony had already happened?

what if a friend got a copy of the new Madonna single before it was released, and I told him I'd listen to it as soon as the Panic song that was playing ended?

what if a couple of weeks after the RRHoF ceremony it re-aired on VH1 and I still didn't see it?

well, those aren't really "what ifs", but my current reality. yes, Panic at the Disco has captured me in a way that I haven't been captured since, well, since Madonna started splitting my attention from Prince in 1990. it's been soooo long, but I must say the ride is AMAZING.

I have much more to say about them and the brilliance of Pretty. Odd., but for shorthand, dig if u will this picture: take psychedelic-era Beatles (very Across the Universe-ish), add some Around the World in a Day/Parade era Prince (i.e. Revolution, i.e. Wendy & Lisa influence), a dose of Stephen Sondheim and just a dash of (no, not formaldehyde!) Rent, e viola:

don't look back because life is short

2008-03-24T13:28:00.000-07:00

A student wrote to me this week, "for the last two months I've been restricting in this one area of my life. But I'm still not seeing any changes."

While restriction is a great start, the student is forgetting to throw away the calculations. When we sit and wait for the result, it will never come.

A student goes to his teacher and says, "Teacher, no one loves me." The teacher says, "run away from love and love will run after you." Easy enough. Two weeks later the student returns and says, "it's not working. I'm running but it's not running after me." The teacher says, "you are running, but you keep looking over your shoulder to see how far back it is."

Today, don't look back, don't look ahead. Just look at the spiritual task in front of you. Submit to the process and let go of the need for results. As my mother and teacher Karen Berg says, " don't chase love. If you busy yourself with helping others, love will come, like a butterfly, and sit lightly on your shoulder. "

things have changed for me...

2008-03-19T00:23:00.000-07:00

holy shit I'm so behind over here! eek! much ado:

2 weeks as a dog owner is changing my schedule immensely. I'm waking earlier and being much more active. Always on the run, I swear.

Had a great weekend with my bro and sis in town.

Spazzing over Pretty. Odd., which leaked on MTV. All I was hoping for and oh so much more. More on that, for reals. Stay tuned.

Court hearing in the morning to finally put a fork in it.

Work shit just out of control ridic. Some fucking people. That's all I can say. For now.

Official plantar fasciitis diagnosis from the podiatrist Dr. McDreamy recommended. I love how EVERY doctor he recommends is a Hot Gay Doctor. Really. Really, I love it, and really, they're all hot gay doctors.

OH YES. FINALLY actually writing the short that's been in my head. Thumbs up, bitches!

got til it's gone

2008-03-19T00:19:00.000-07:00

today's kabbalah daily tune-up from Yehuda Berg, one i know and understand well. when the appreciation ends, it's time 2 move on...

Tuesday, March 18

My brother Michael was addressing students here in Los Angeles last weekend about the importance of appreciation. He repeated something my father taught us growing up: the moment appreciation is lost, the relationship is lost.

I spoke about appreciation in Sunday's daily but it's especially relevant now, when the energy of doubts is at its strongest. The lesson to remember is:

our connection to others, ourselves, and ultimately to the Light of the Creator, begins and ends with appreciation.

This is something you know. I simply wish to remind you of the utter importance of constantly fighting for appreciation. And make no mistake, it's a fight. A battle. A war. It's easy to erupt in anger and indignation but far more difficult to fight the internal battle against ego [jealousy, insecurity, resentment, doubt, and you can fill in the rest.]

Who are the people in your life whom you've begun to take for granted? The best way to get that thankful recognition back is to imagine what life would be like without them.

whenever i was in need of a friend

2008-03-07T22:51:00.001-08:00

i'm really glad we've found the space 2 reconnect.

strange but true

2008-03-07T22:47:00.001-08:00

U may have lost me, but i found myself
the ones who love me without condition - this is my wealth
and with these words i will win
repeat them over and over again
all understand and all stand under this affirmation now:
By the power invested in me by God
all negativity bows
all negativity bows
all negativity bows
strange but true, let's see what U can do

i am a dog outside ur door...

2008-03-07T22:07:00.001-08:00

I became a father on Saturday, March 1, 2008 when I adopted Molly. She has been re-christened Roxanne Hermione Reading and is happily responding to "Reading", pronounced "redding". My new obsession with Panic at the Disco began with a love for a live show recored this past summer at the Reading festival. The show begins with Brendon saying/screaming, "We're Panic at the Disco, WHAT'S UP READING?????" As my infatuation grew, I started imitating his delivery of the "Reading" line, and it became a mantra of the recent Vegas road trip. The show also includes a segue from their song Camisado into the Police's Roxanne. Hearing that was a part of me realizing that Panic was more than just a flavor of the month. And Hermione was Reading's original name. I've been itching to get a dog since Heath passed away last year. When I moved in December, I was finally in a place where I could have a dog. I've been looking for Labs/Lab mixes ever since. And Reading is great!!! Love her and can't wait for you all to meet her! I'm sure she'll be a frequent part of these pages.

sowing the seeds of love

2008-03-04T23:32:00.000-08:00

Yehuda Berg's daily Kabbalah Tune-ups:

Sunday, March 2

Today, I've got some questions to ask yourself. Only you have the answers.

What do you really want in life?

What's limiting you?

How do you prevent yourself from expanding and enjoying a bigger purpose?

How do you prevent yourself from receiving more?

It's time to expand your capacity to receive more fulfillment, to have a lot more happiness, more excitement, more meaning, a job that gives you satisfaction, not just work that pays the bills, and a relationship where you feel totally on the same page with your partner.

Sort yourself out today. Spend some time thinking about the questions I posed, and even take out a notebook and think on the paper. Make sure the desire you have to change is not only well-intentioned but also translates into effort and action. In that way, you're guaranteed to experience dramatic shifts in your life.

Monday, March 3

Did you read - and answer - yesterday's daily questions?

Michelangelo, who also studied Kabbalah, was once asked where he found the exquisite man who modeled for his sculpture of David. He answered, "I didn't have a model. I had no muse. I simply chipped away the excess rock and revealed what the Creator had already provided."

Start chipping away.

We all have the ability to manifest incredible happiness. We each arrive here with a magnificent soul, but our soul at present is covered with the dust and dirt of layers of negativity that we have accumulated.

By spending time today thinking about — and writing answers to — yesterday's questions, you will chip away until you remove all of your limitations and reveal your true potential.

this is just the prologue

2008-03-04T21:32:00.001-08:00

the problem with living life at the speed of the internet is the sense that what isn't documented is lost, and worse, what isn't documented immediately isn't worth documenting at all. well, this post is a big "fuck u" to that notion. February was a great month for me, the best I've had in a long time and the busiest, too. And I was sick for a good two weeks of it as well. Arrrgh. Anyway, I took off a few days at the beginning of the month as comp time for being onsite over a couple of weekends while the office was painted. It was great to get a good break without using vacation time. And better to have a chunk of time off without going out of town or doing too much.

I'm gonna write more, but just to get some of it out:

Org Invasion

My new phone

My first Panic at the Disco experience

Road trip to Vegas for Cobra Starship

only fools and kings

2008-03-01T09:55:00.000-08:00

i wonder if he knows he's a rebound.
i wonder if u know he's a rebound.
i wonder why i care.

the funny thing is that i loved u and love is truly blind. i didn’t mean a lot. love was so unkind, 4 they say only fools believe in what they cannot see. sometimes it takes a heartache 2 open up your eyes.
Wendy & Lisa, from Always in My Dreams

U can eat what U want, anything is cool in moderation

2008-03-01T09:01:00.000-08:00

i wouldn't beg U
instead of playing deduction of what 2 do
they called me rude often
when i called their hand
they judged me and told me that we're through
"y can't U be like the others?"
i cried out over and again
"y can't U learn 2 play by the rules?"
but maybe at last it's the end
because i am not like others
i'm unique in the respect i'm not U

i know in my heart i would try 2 love U
i wouldn't try 2 hurt U despite all the ways U hurt me
u call me a fraud, an uncaring wretch
but I'm a (mad) artist and my only aim is 2 please
between U and yours, myself and mine
isn't life cruel enough without cruel words, cruel words?
u see, words are like shoes
they're just something 2 stand on
i wish U could be in my shoes...
what would life be if we believed what we read
and a smile is just hiding a frown?
come now, isn't life a little better with a pair of good shoes?

by Prince and the Revolution, from Hello

i feel it, it's coming

2008-02-28T09:20:00.002-08:00

and now, me and my scope are back on the same page:

If you've been feeling a little under the weather lately, dear Scorpio, today's planetary configuration will make you feel a whole lot better. In a few days, you will have the strength to pick up where you left off on the projects you may have begun last month. A lot of things are changing in your life. Your motivations are evolving and your ambitions may be taking different directions...

FUCK YEAH! Bring it!

loving this quote of the day, too:

We begin every act of choice and avoidance from pleasure, and it is to pleasure that we return using our experience of pleasure as the criterion of every good thing.

Epicurus

friends say i've changed...

2008-02-27T08:53:00.000-08:00

haha... usually, i'm a few days behind my horoscope. looks like this week i was a bit ahead. that's good, yeah?

It can be hard to let go of old habits and beliefs even as new, better ways of thinking are struggling to gain a foothold. But it is time for you to do so, dear Scorpio. You might find it difficult to open up and confide your feelings, but a frank conversation with close friends will do much to ease your mind. You are changing, there is no question about it. Your friends will show you that this transformation is a positive one indeed.

life can be so nice

2008-02-26T06:32:00.001-08:00

yesterday, inspired by this, i made a call that i've needed to make for several weeks. it doesn't make it all go away or make it all better, but it's a step to peaceful coexistence. and maybe someday a chance for real friendship.

it's not a thousand years away it's not that far my brother when men will fight injustice instead of one another it's not that far if we all say yes and only try then heaven on earth we will find

prince, still would stand all time

let me up i've had enough

2008-02-21T23:38:00.000-08:00

in this car i drive
i'm looking 4 the road that leads back 2 the soul we shared
with my very life
i'd gladly be the body upon the cross we bear (cross we bear)

how do we ever lose communication? (how did we?)
how do we ever lose each other's sound? (i don't know)
baby, if U wanna, we can fix the situation
maybe we can stop the rain from coming down

maybe we can't, maybe we can
stop the rain, stop the rain

now i know what i mean

2008-02-21T17:19:00.001-08:00

today, on the 12-minute drive to Dr. Everything'll Be Alright's office, 2 of songs my ipod played -- out of the 362 it could have chosen -- were Both Sides Now -- first, Joni's orchestral version, then Dolly Parton's bluegrass version. i skipped both cuz i wasn't in the mood and ended up listening to "Family Affair/Keep it Together" from Madonna's Blond Ambition tour.

in session, as we're breaking down the week and the unexpected unexpectedness that crept up, guess what he told me, guess what he told me, "don't give yourself away." my jukebox memory rang loud and clear - word for word, the Dr. gave me a line straight outta Both Sides Now. but the "don't give yourself away" that i was advised is nearly the opposite of the intention of the song. the song is saying to keep yourself hidden and protected, with the lead-in "if u care, don't let them know." well, that's how i've approached too many relationships for too long. no more. now, the "don't give yourself away" is about empowerment, standing up for myself, and expressing what i want, what i need. (omg... laughing at myself and how obvious my language makes it that i'm in therapy!)

and already, just a short spell into this exercise of claiming my voice, i've already seen what Joni talks about in a subsequent verse:

but now old friends are acting strange
they shake their heads, they say i've changed
well somethings lost, but somethings gained
in living evry day

yep, that charge has been leveled at me by two people who know me well (knew me?) changing from a voice of constant agreement to one of independence is definitely jarring to those who aren't used to it. it's a heady balance to find, especially trying to maintain kabbalistic values of how to live and treat people. i'm testing the waters, and sometimes i do better than others, but i feel like i'm still moving in the right direction.

rows and floes of angel hair
and ice cream castles in the air
and feather canyons evrywhere
i've looked at clouds that way

but now they only block the sun
they rain and snow on evryone
so many things i would have done
but clouds got in my way
i've looked at clouds from both sides now
from up and down, and still somehow
it's cloud illusions i recall
i really don't know clouds at all

moons and junes and ferris wheels
the dizzy dancing way u feel
as evry fairy tale comes real
i've looked at love that way

but now it's just another show
u leave em laughing when u go
and if u care, don't let them know
don't give yourself away

i've looked at love from both sides now
from give and take, and still somehow
it's loves illusions i recall
i really don't know love at all

tears and fears and feeling proud
to say i love u right out loud
dreams and schemes and circus crowds
i've looked at life that way

but now old friends are acting strange
they shake their heads, they say i've changed
well somethings lost, but somethings gained
in living evry day

i've looked at life from both sides now
from win and lose and still somehow
it's lifes illusions I recall
i really don't know life at all
i've looked at life from both sides now
from up and down, and still somehow
it's life's illusions i recall
i really don't know life at all

by joni mitchell

p.s. S picked me up from work this night. i shoved my ipod into my pocket when i got into the car. when we got home, she and J left for dinner and i waited for tdub to pick me up for our dinner plans. i started doing the dishes while i waited. alone in the house, i heard the faint sound of a radio left on. i looked into the living room to see if it was J's computer and realized it was coming from my own pocket. and yes, it was my ipod which had once again shuffled itself directly to Both Sides Now.

how'd i get so serious?

2008-02-17T11:05:00.000-08:00

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 17

Why was I born?
What's the meaning of my life?
Why am I me?

When we are kids, we often think about these things. But as life comes faster and harder, we tend to put these questions aside in order to deal with the important matters of life. Who has time for such navel gazing?

Then one day, tragedy strikes or we look in the mirror and see our grandfather staring back at us and we wonder, "What did I live for? Where did my life go? What good did I do?"

Let's not wait until it's too late to change our fate. Let today be the day we resume asking the questions worth asking. If we are already asking them, then let's ask louder.

Why was I born?
What's the meaning of my life?
Why am I me?

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 16

There is a peak experience of life we are all seeking, a state of flow where all things just make sense and feel right. We reach this state by thinking about others first and creating an opening for the endless Light - the source of all good - to enter.

But when we think only of ourselves, we put a stop to this flow.

Today, make a list – a written list – of five people whom you care about. Put it in your pocket, tape it to your computer, tack it to the fridge – keep it close. Every time you find yourself obsessing about yourself, look at the list, and think about one of those people. Send them energy, meaning, picture them surrounded by Light, receiving the health and wisdom they deserve. Consider this your connection to the endless Light.

i can dish it cuz i know how 2 take it

2008-02-17T10:57:00.000-08:00

ah, Gabe Saporta & Company. u fucking rule. saw "the Really Really Ridiculously Good Looking Tour" last night at the Troubabdour. Cobra Starship & Metro Station the highlights. now, hopping into a car to head to Vegas to see it one more time! happy president's weekend!

all that glitters ain't gold

2008-02-15T14:51:00.000-08:00

omg... too funny. not really taking a swipe at that book, just reminding us we don't have to be millionaires who can leisurely travel the world to find peace and/or make a difference. good reminder.

FEBRUARY 15, 2008

There is a story about a woman who decides she wants to find God. She gives up her worldly possessions, flies to India, climbs the highest mountain, and sets about praying and meditating. She calls out to God, "Where are you?!" and God answers, "I'm down here with the people!"

We don't all have to take a vow of poverty and live in an ashram to connect to our Creator. We need only to connect to others to find what we're looking for.

Today, devote yourself to three people. Find it in your heart to make them feel better, to meet their needs, and to motivate them to become more involved in their lives.

objects in the mirror...

2008-02-14T21:37:00.000-08:00

Yehuda Berg's Daily Kabbalah Tune-up

FEBRUARY 14, 2008

Whether you are celebrating this Valentine's Day with that special someone, or you are still searching, I'd like to share a golden secret that will always steer you in the Light direction:

A relationship acts as a mirror in which you can – if you choose to look at your reflection honestly – see negativity and move to correct it. Only with this spiritual foundation can you build a fulfilling and lasting love

-- God Wears Lipstick, Karen Berg

does it make a difference?

2008-02-14T21:09:00.000-08:00

i'm looking at life and choices i've made. and imminent choices that i may or may not need to make. what seemed so clear only days ago now is riddled with uncertainty. fortunately, uncertainty is not synonymous with confusion. i maintain a sense of confidence in myself and in the forward motion of what is to be.

was it all worth it and how did I earn it
nobody's perfect
i guess i deserve it

how high are the stakes, how much fortune can u make
does this get any better?
should i carry on, will it matter when i'm gone
will any of this matter

i took it
just about everything
except my own advice

was it all worth it and how did i earn it
nobody's perfect
i guess i deserve it

(nothing lasts forever)
(does it make a difference)

how high
does it make a difference?
nothing lasts forever
should I
will it matter when i'm gone
will any of this matter

why's it so hard 2 love one another

2008-02-13T21:13:00.000-08:00

my mini vacation kept me away from posting about a whole shitload of wonderful events over the last few days. i'm still exhausted and starstruck, loving life and appreciating where i am, who i am, and who surrounds me. after i catch up on some sleep, i'll fill u all in on the details, but for now, here's some Kabbalah tune-ups courtesy of Yehuda Berg. find some inspiration and spread some Love and Light.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 12

Sometimes it seems that when you read a Kabbalah book, or listen to a lecture, the same things are repeated. On Pesach we talk about removing the ego, on Chanukah we talk about tapping into miracles, on Shabbat Pinchas we talk about healing. But something I realized is that it’s not the wisdom that stays the same, it’s us who stay the same. The ticket to the technology is change.

When we transform, we can hear the same exact thing we heard a month, a year, a decade ago but it will sound different, and resonate deeper. But when we get stuck in ruts, patterns, and complacency, our learning stays stuck as well. What is the difference between humans and animals? Animals do the same thing day after day after day. But we have a choice.

Today, break up & shake up your routines. If you always start the day with coffee, then start with tea. If you always take the same route to work, then take a different path. If you flop in front of the TV when you get home, then open a book, or better yet, go for a walk. Get in the habit of mixing it up and changing yourself. The wisdom will change accordingly.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 11

Why is it so hard to say I love you? I don't mean to a lover, but to a friend, a teacher, a parent. Why are these four little letters so difficult to spit out of our mouths?

What a wonderful gift to give someone. Think about how good it feels when people say it to you. I love you. Sometimes when you have strife with family, or beef with a friend, saying I love you is all you need to do to take away the darkness that has settled in like a fog. We fight and argue and analyze when usually, I love you will do the trick.

Who do you love and cherish, yet are afraid tell how you feel? Take a risk today. Open your heart, open your mouth, and say it. Just say it. I LOVE YOU!

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 10

People who help us along the way are channels for the Light. If we forget them, then we are cutting off our connection to the source of all that is good in our life. Even if it was 20 years ago, it's important to remember the people who saved our butts way back when.

Today, go back to a difficult time in your life. Who reached out to you when everyone else fled? Is that person still in your life? Do you still remember what they did for you? Appreciation. That's the key.

when the moon fell in love with the sun

2008-02-13T00:53:00.001-08:00

more details to follow. ;)

2night i'm a movie star.

2008-02-09T09:07:00.000-08:00

it's a little bit freaky, by wayyyyyyyy synchronous that this mornng i awoke to the following Kabbalah daily tune-up. um, it kinda says exactly what i wrote in my post last night!

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 9

Kabbalists have long known that our thoughts shape what we perceive as reality every bit as much as reality shapes our thoughts. We are more than mere observers of reality – we are creators.

It is we who produce and direct our own movie – the same movie in which we ourselves are the stars.

What movie are you creating? Love story? Comedy? Horror?

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 8

Not everyone who has the knowledge of Kabbalah understands it. If you've taken classes at the Centre, online, or have read the Power of Kabbalah, one of the first things you learned is to be proactive. On a certain level, that's all you need to know – it's the essence of Kabbalah. So, are you proactive 100% of the time? 50%? 5%? How many other teachings do you know, but don't really know?

Information doesn't make us spiritual. We have to act on it. When someone asks us for help, are we quick to say yes...or no? When a difficult person shows up in our life, do we embrace him/her as someone sent to teach us something, or as another pain in-the-you-know-what?

Today, think about a teaching that resonates with you. Ask yourself if you are living it. If you are not (or not as much as you can), that's OK. Recognition is a giant first step.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 7

God is in you. God is in me. God is everyone.

Imagine what a difference it would make if we always kept that in mind. We'd be less inclined to give the business to the waiter for messing up our order, or telling someone off who hurt our feelings. We may justify our actions – for example, by pointing out someone's faults – but in those moments of "losing it" on someone, we are the ones who lose.

Today, see the God in everyone.

if we took a holiday

2008-02-08T21:10:00.000-08:00

Muse and CarrieMPLS picked me up at work thursday afternoon as the beginning of my break. 2day was all about soaking up the sun and catching up on our lives. between my visit with them and yesterday's session with Dr. Everything'll Be Alright, i am realizing how much i am not the same person i used to be. i am reinventing my life n a positive, proactive direction and seeing the fruits of those labors. when my life broke down in june and i didn't like the answer to fix it, i made a promise 2 myself that going forward, nothing would be the same. i wasn't going to play by the same rules and continue 2 watch my life happen 2 me. and while it took some time to get that process underway and integrated into the day-to-day, i have done it. and as different as i am today, i know i am just getting started. i am awake and alive. and i fucking love it!!! watch out world, i been waiting and i am loose!

life isn't about finding yourself. life is about creating yourself.

got 2 try my new funk

2008-02-07T10:50:00.000-08:00

holy shit i love it when my horoscope knows me so well. i REALLY need to get on some ADD meds!

You may have an urge to invent new things, dear Scorpio. You feel compelled to create something, either in the artistic, technical, or philosophical fields. If only you would give yourself enough time to pursue these imaginings. Today, realize that concentration is the key to accomplishment. Put away such distractions as books, magazines, and newspapers and you may well be surprised by the wealth of inspiration that comes to you.

i have truth on my side

2008-02-07T09:50:00.000-08:00

while fishing around for some birthday quotes for a friend, i stumbled on this wealth from the French philosopher and writer Michel de Montaigne:

“We are born to inquire into truth; it belongs to a greater to possess it”

“Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.”

“We can be knowledgeable with other men's knowledge, but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom.”

“I speak the truth not so much as I would, but as much as I dare, and I dare a little more as I grow older”

u got 2 shake something

2008-02-07T00:05:00.000-08:00

When I was a child I would sometimes awaken in the middle of the night, horrified to find someone in my room. I'd pull the covers over my head and shake in terror. When nothing happened I'd peak out and see some clothing draped over a chair or some other object masquerading as a monster.

Focusing the light of awareness on that which frightens us dissolves the misunderstanding that causes it.

What monster do you need to stare down?

feeling as good as lovers can!

2008-02-06T18:04:00.000-08:00

OMG -- can't frickin' wait!

isn't Brendon's footwork/dancing adorable?

i am not what i was yesterday. what day is it anyway?

2008-02-05T23:44:00.000-08:00

great find on planetary energy, what's up on planet earth. thanks, KCF! a sample:

Mercury retrograde is assisting us in preparing for our very new beginnings. Going back and clearing out the old is a part of this process. Innately, we are getting ready for what is to come, as we will soon be very busy with all the new manifestations and won’t have much time to deal with old business. In addition, the old no longer serves us in a new beginning as it is part of an energy of the past…an energy which does not exist in this very new reality we are now poised to experience.

“Where do I go from here?” you may be wondering. “I can no longer go back to the old creations of what was, or to where I once was, but I have absolutely no idea where I am headed now! And where is it anyway? Nothing seems to be arriving or manifesting for me! Just a lot of confusion and see-sawing!” Yes, we cannot go back. This is because we are no longer in alignment with the old. Through the massive restructuring and purging and releasing process we undertook in 2007, we are now most certainly no longer a match for what we once were.

Because we have tapped into and are now vibrating our true and more purified selves more than ever before, what we thought we may have wanted last year, may now no longer fit. We are different people now. When we search deep within us, we may find that we now want what we have been missing in our lives for a very long time. We are attempting to balance out, in addition to creating what is in alignment with who we really and truly are.

FULL ALERT HERE.

it's such a shame

2008-02-05T20:52:00.000-08:00

my all, all, all time favorite song is Purple Rain. not a surprise, i know. i have a Purple Rains playlist that has live versions from 1984 through 2007. each version has something a little different -- whether in the lyric, his vocal, or how he does the solo. my current fave is from the Target show in MPLS on 7-7-7. it opened the show and features Wendy on guitar. anyway, in the 24ish years that i've loved this song about love, friendship, loss & redemption, never has it more aptly fit my own life than it does now. here's the lyrics, as per4med on 7-7-7:

i never meant 2 cause u any sorrow
i never meant 2 cause u any pain
i only wanted one time see u laughing, yes
i only wanted 2 see u laughing in the purple rain

Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain, oh yeah
i only wanted 2 see u see u laughing in the purple rain

i never wanted 2 be ur weekend lover, no, no
i only wanted 2 be some kind of friend
can u hear me?
baby, i could never steal u from another
it’s such a shame
it’s such a shame this friendship it must end

Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
U all hear me?
Purple rain, purple rain, oh yeah
i only wanted 2 see u, see u in the Purple rain

honey i know, i know, i know
i know times are changing
it’s time we all reach out, time we all reach out for something new
just ain’t talking about me, talking about each and every one of u
say u want a leader but u can’t seem 2 make up yo mind
maybe u better close it
maybe u better close it
let God guide u…
sing it!

Purple rain, Purple rain
if u know what u’re singing about, let me see u
Purple rain, purple rain
i only wanna, only wanna…

reach out and touch (somebody's hand)

2008-02-05T20:36:00.000-08:00

The Light wants to flow into your life and to fill all your black holes. But you need to invite it in. You can do this by asking for help. You don't have to be a master Kabbalist to communicate with the Light. The Light doesn't care that you are saying the words correctly - all you need to do is reach out.

It's like a toddler speaking his first words to his parents. Even though he can't speak well, they are still delighted when he asks for something. Remember, the Creator created us so that we could be fulfilled. We need to take those baby steps.

Today, talk to the Light. What issues are you struggling with? What relationships are troubling you? What big decision is looming? Call out in your mind and ask for signs, messages, and guidance. Learning how to ask is the first step in receiving messages from above.

4th day of November, we need a purple high

2008-02-05T19:28:00.000-08:00

my favorite Madonna rock the vote ad:

and then her also very good original ad (back before she was a registered voter!)

i do yoga and pilates and the room is full of hotties

2008-02-05T19:22:00.000-08:00

this is my second week back on a yoga routine after too many months away. and damn if the results aren't speedy quick. i'm energized, i'm standing tall (literally AND emotionally), i feel the burn in my arms and abs, and i'm so much more interested in eating well. namaste.

one hand, one heart

2008-02-04T23:51:00.000-08:00

the first time Lisa Greenfield read my palm, i barely knew her, but the insight she had into me, my life and history made it clear to me that she knew what she was talking about. in the years since that first reading, we have become dear friends -- we were once nearly roommates -- and i have been gifted not only by her friendship, but also with her in depth astrological and tarot readings.

Lisa has recently taken her passion and talent as a palmist and astrologer to the next level with the debut of Truth in Hand, a palm reading website that gives u your own glimpse into reading your own palm! i used it 2 decode my own palm this weekend, and reported back to Lisa that it is "laugh out loud accurate!" check it out, you might be surprised what u see!

u can be the president

2008-02-04T22:39:00.001-08:00

on January 31, i did something i had not done since 1991 -- supported a Presidential campaign with my money. when i donated to Barack Obama, i became one of 250,000 individuals to donate in JANUARY alone. i agree with this:

This milestone will be a clear signal to those who rely on donations from Washington lobbyists and spending from outside special interests to support their campaigns that we are a movement of people who stand for real change.

i have never been inspired by a living politician until now and 2morrow i will cast my first vote 4 Obama to be the next President of the United States. i invite u to do the same. check out the NY Times almost endorsement.

slight correction: in my Obama/Kennedy post last week, i stated the following:

i met Caroline at a book signing for the Patriot's Handbook and i was more starstruck than when I met Wendy, Lisa, or Prince.

okay, after serious reflection, i admitted to myself i've never been more starstruck than meeting my 3 lifelong music idols -- Prince when i worked at Paisley Park in 2001, Wendy & Lisa at the Family Jamm in 2003. so i more accurately say, i was AS starstruck as when i met W, L & P -- but way moreso than meeting Ben, Jen, or Christian. :)

kabbalah katch-up

2008-02-04T22:21:00.000-08:00

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 4

Rav Ashlag taught that being around people with bigger desires for growth, transformation and Light helps us to reach beyond our own limited desires.

Today is the perfect day to look at the types of people you surround yourself with. Are they helping your growth? Or hindering it? What actions can you take to surround yourself with positive, spiritual people?

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 3

The Zohar teaches there are three ways to learn our lessons in life:

Concealed – the voice within awakens us (least painful)
Friends – a friend awakens us (moderately painful)
Revealed – an external situation awakens us (most painful)

When a person is not hearing the warning voice from within, it is the responsibility of a friend to positively confront them with love. This prevents the other person from having to learn the lesson in a more painful manner.

In real relationships in our life we need to be able to awaken others - from a place of caring – and we need to be able to withstand it when they awaken us.

Focus on one of your close relationships today and find one area where the person needs awakening. The question to ask before saying a single word is:

“do I really want the other person to grow…or is this area just bothering me?”

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2

A great kabbalist once asked his students, "Where does God live?" They quickly answered, "God lives everywhere." But he would not accept their answer. He taught them, "God lives wherever man lets him in."

The Light created you so it could share with you. In other words, you are loved. All you need to do is open your heart, think about others, and do the uncomfortable. That's not too much to ask, is it? I know, I know, easier said than done.

Today, give out some love – and let the Light in.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 1

Sarcasm, jitters, cigarettes, drugs, candy, tantrums, silent-treatment, yawning, yelling, obsessing, cheating – these are some of the wonderful ways we run from our pain.

As I wrote recently, the only to get to heaven is to go through hell. It means continuing to disengage from the delusion of the ego by facing the pain head on – whatever your pain may be. It's the only way to find reality underneath.

In what way are you hiding from reality?

THURSDAY, JANUARY 31

All giving is not good. Consider this statement from the Rav:

"We must investigate our motivations for sharing. For example, you want to give to your child, but you might want to do so for your own sake rather than hers. So you smother her with goodness. It's true that you are sharing your energy, but you are potentially destroying the child. Even though you are sharing something good, giving can have a bad side if there is an exaggerated discharge of energy.

Occasionally my ego may tell me that if I give to someone I will be able to control that person, and this becomes the solitary reason for giving. Then the person becomes dependent upon me. True sharing must be balanced."

Answer these questions today:

Is my sharing balanced?

With whom am I sharing selfishly?

never 4get who u are, little star...

2008-02-04T21:56:00.000-08:00

feliz cumpleanos a mi ahijada (that's goddaughter 2 u gringos!) 10 years ago today i dashed out of work at a newly opening law firm to meet my new, early arriving niece. it's been a great joy to watch her grow into a smart, sassy & simultaneously sweet young lady. not getting to see the changes in both her and my nephew is one of few regrets about not living in Denver. now that we text and e-mail it's not so bad. i love u, Nana!

Never forget who you are
Little star
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly

God gave a present to me
Made of flesh and bones
My life, my soul
You make my spirit whole

Never forget who you are
Little star
Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly
Never forget where you come from
From love

You are a treasure to me
You are my star
You breathe new life
Into my broken heart

Never forget who you are
Little star
Never forget how to dream
Butterfly

May the angels protect you
And sadness forget you
Little star

There's no reason to weep
Lay your head down to sleep
Little star

May goodness surround you
My love I have found you
Little star

back 2 the street where we began...

2008-01-30T23:01:00.000-08:00

disclaimer: i'm going to get all Pete Wentz on u and gush about Panic and Barack.

i've been on the Obama-Clinton fence for several months, after an initial lean to Edwards as the closest to progressive candidate. it was Caroline's column that has pushed me off the fence and firmly to Obama. my interest in politics began with reading a JFK biography in 2nd grade. in 1983 i wrote a letter to Ted saying i was disappointed that he wasn't entering the 1984 race. a high point of my childhood was receiving a response from him. i went to college in Boston because of the Kennedys. i interned in Joe Kennedy's Boston office. i met Caroline at a book signing for the Patriot's Handbook and i was more starstruck than when I met Wendy, Lisa, or Prince. color me swayed.

find Nine in the Afternoon and listen to it NOW. it is a slice of billowy wonder beauty. hanging with my Guilty Pleasure comrades listening to it on repeat for, oh, over 3 hours the day it was released, i told them it is to the songs on A Fever You Can't Sweat Out as Raspberry Beret was to the songs on Purple Rain -- purely brilliant pop confection inspired by or at least owing a debt to the boys from Liverpool.

my repeat action followed me from the compound to the office. i now submit Exhibit A, details on the Top Ten most played tracks in my itunes:

1. Purple Rain Live	Prince And The Revolution	Atlanta '85	302
2. Let's Say	Girl Bros.	Girl Bros.	260
3. Erotica	Madonna	Confessions Tour Studio	234
4. Nine in the Afternoon	Panic at the Disco	Pretty. Odd.	179
5. Love... Thy Will Be Done	Martika	Martika's Kitchen	176
6. A Place In Heaven	Prince And The Revolution	Dream Factory Remastered	169
7. Love Song	Madonna and Prince!!!!!	Like A Prayer	162
8. Hands Clean	Alanis Morissette	Under Rug Swept	143
9. Future Lover	Madonna	Confessions On A Dance Floor	128
10. All My Dreams	Prince And The Revolution	Dream Factory Remastered	125

okay, so clearly, we're entering hallowed ground. i first noticed where it was at about 147 plays, when it was creeping up on Love song. i reported myself 2 S, and she replied, "just accept it. u already changed your wallpaper." and she's right. but the thing is, i've been on this machine for 2 years. my Top Ten, hell, my Top 25, is a finely crafted achievement meant to illustrate my musical leanings, my affections, my heart, my soul. and in 2 days, Panic is knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door! granted, that particular version of Purple Rain is 18 minutes +, so in actual listening time it'll be in the lead 4 a long while. but then again Pretty. Odd. doesn't come out until March. whaddamigonnalissen2?

did i mention i also got tix to opening night of the Honda civic tour at the Warfield in s.f.? that's right. poppin the panic cherry in April! don't u wanna come?

i need a c-o-o-l r-i-d-e-r

2008-01-30T22:40:00.000-08:00

u know that parlor trick of reciting movie lines and making people guess what movie it's from? well, i hate that fucking game. i suck at it. i love movies, but my brain doesn't capture like that. song lyrics, yes, movie lines, no. UNLESS is is from one of the following: Purple Rain, Truth or Dare, Somewhere in Time, or Grease 2. those are the only movies i've watched ad nauseam, a requirement for me to quote.

anyway, this is what totally on my mind. Grease 2 is Grease, in reverse, with campy badness. i totally love it. this time, the exchange student is a boy, hunky Maxwell Caulfield, (Sandy's British cousin) who falls for bad girl Pink Lady leader Stefanie Zinnoni (Michelle Pfeiffer in her first lead role), who just broke up with bad boy T-Birds leader Johnnie Nogarelli (Adrian Zmed). okay --this is the part i was getting to -- Stefanie broke up with Johnnie over the summer, before the movie started. and though he's now macking on Paulette Rubecheck (Lorna Luft, the best 35-year-old high school student ever cast!), he won't accept that Stefanie broke up with him. she keeps telling him, the whole movie long, and he doesn't get it. he's pretty, and slow like that. and i keep thinking about that. how he just doesn't get it. funny. or weird. not weird weird, but weird.

can i get some more ketchup?

u push me

2008-01-30T22:38:00.000-08:00

Every difficult situation is sent our way to help us to grow. Too bad we push the uncomfortable away.

Let's say you're in severe financial difficulty. God comes to you and says he/she will give you a million dollars every time someone hurts you or angers you -- provided you completely let go of any reactive feelings. Simply put, you cannot take anything personally. You have to let it go!

What would be on your mind all day? You'd be praying for God to send you people to hurt you. You'd wake up every morning searching out all the difficult relationships and offensive people!

The fact is, when you live your life with this in mind, you receive something more valuable than a million dollars. You receive the Light, which already includes financial sustenance, rejuvenation, well-being, happiness, and peace of mind.

Today, embrace the uncomfortable. Look for the silver dollar in every dark cloud.

turn me inside out

2008-01-29T23:50:00.000-08:00

guess i left u shell shocked, baby
didn't mean 2 cry so hard
u were minding ur own business
u said 'not in my back yard!'

turn me inside out, what's inside of u?
turn me inside out, and i am u
turn me inside out, what's inside of u?
turn me inside out
and i am u

trying to get through 2 u, baby
working on a sunken mind
all 4 one and none 4 all maybe
brother, can u spare a dime?

turn me inside out, what's inside of u?
turn me inside out, and i am u
turn me inside out, what's inside of u?
turn me inside out
and i am u

guess i should have thought first, but i
guess i have no sense at all
can u get 2 heaven faster
if u build a higher wall?

4 all of u who talk but don't do
u have used up ur last i.o.u.
i am telling u because i am through
i get nothing 4 loving u

turn me inside out, what's inside of u
(come on in) and i am u
(i dare u) what's inside of u (yeah!)
turn me inside out, and i am u

now turn me inside out, what's inside of u
turn me inside out, and i am u
turn me inside out, what's inside of u
turn me inside out, and i am u

4 all of u who talk but don't do
u have used ur last i.o.u.
i am telling u because i am through
i get nothing 4 loving u
loving u
loving u

as sure as the candle burns

2008-01-29T23:47:00.000-08:00

"What does Kabbalah say about depression?"

Depression is merely a lack of Light. If you walk into a dark room, you don't complain and worry about all the darkness. You simply flip on a light switch and the darkness vanishes. Sharing with people is our light switch.

YES, IT IS THAT SIMPLE!

Today, go out and share. Help someone who is in a worse situation than you. Find someone who is hurting more than you. When you share, you draw Light into your soul. And Light removes all the darkness and depression that you feel.

doubts of our conviction

2008-01-28T12:11:00.000-08:00

Doubt creeps in the moment we lose our focus on our original intention.

Think of it in terms of relationships. You could be so happy, you're with your soul mate, life is wonderful. Hugs and kisses, xoxo, and all that. Then she does something you don't like and you forget. You forget how she helps you through the darkness. You forget how she loves you even when you don't love yourself. You forget. And then doubt creeps in. One moment you have all the reasons to be in the relationship, the next you find all the reasons not to be.

It's all about doubt. Why? Because you forget why you were in the relationship in the first place.

Today is your chance to remember. Remind yourself of what you receive from your significant relationships. Connect to the seed of goodness and cast out the doubt.

maybe u're just like my father

2008-01-27T11:13:00.000-08:00

A President Like My Father
By CAROLINE KENNEDY

OVER the years, I’ve been deeply moved by the people who’ve told me they wished they could feel inspired and hopeful about America the way people did when my father was president. This sense is even more profound today. That is why I am supporting a presidential candidate in the Democratic primaries, Barack Obama.

My reasons are patriotic, political and personal, and the three are intertwined. All my life, people have told me that my father changed their lives, that they got involved in public service or politics because he asked them to. And the generation he inspired has passed that spirit on to its children. I meet young people who were born long after John F. Kennedy was president, yet who ask me how to live out his ideals.

Sometimes it takes a while to recognize that someone has a special ability to get us to believe in ourselves, to tie that belief to our highest ideals and imagine that together we can do great things. In those rare moments, when such a person comes along, we need to put aside our plans and reach for what we know is possible.

We have that kind of opportunity with Senator Obama. It isn’t that the other candidates are not experienced or knowledgeable. But this year, that may not be enough. We need a change in the leadership of this country — just as we did in 1960.

Most of us would prefer to base our voting decision on policy differences. However, the candidates’ goals are similar. They have all laid out detailed plans on everything from strengthening our middle class to investing in early childhood education. So qualities of leadership, character and judgment play a larger role than usual.

Senator Obama has demonstrated these qualities throughout his more than two decades of public service, not just in the United States Senate but in Illinois, where he helped turn around struggling communities, taught constitutional law and was an elected state official for eight years. And Senator Obama is showing the same qualities today. He has built a movement that is changing the face of politics in this country, and he has demonstrated a special gift for inspiring young people — known for a willingness to volunteer, but an aversion to politics — to become engaged in the political process.

I have spent the past five years working in the New York City public schools and have three teenage children of my own. There is a generation coming of age that is hopeful, hard-working, innovative and imaginative. But too many of them are also hopeless, defeated and disengaged. As parents, we have a responsibility to help our children to believe in themselves and in their power to shape their future. Senator Obama is inspiring my children, my parents’ grandchildren, with that sense of possibility.

Senator Obama is running a dignified and honest campaign. He has spoken eloquently about the role of faith in his life, and opened a window into his character in two compelling books. And when it comes to judgment, Barack Obama made the right call on the most important issue of our time by opposing the war in Iraq from the beginning.

I want a president who understands that his responsibility is to articulate a vision and encourage others to achieve it; who holds himself, and those around him, to the highest ethical standards; who appeals to the hopes of those who still believe in the American Dream, and those around the world who still believe in the American ideal; and who can lift our spirits, and make us believe again that our country needs every one of us to get involved.

I have never had a president who inspired me the way people tell me that my father inspired them. But for the first time, I believe I have found the man who could be that president — not just for me, but for a new generation of Americans.

Caroline Kennedy is the author of “A Patriot’s Handbook: Songs, Poems, Stories and Speeches Celebrating the Land We Love.”

desire, it covers our faces

2008-01-27T10:08:00.000-08:00

One of my mother, and teacher, Karen Berg's favorite mantras is "Next. Next. Next."

As you expand your vessel (desire), there's going to be challenges and discomforts. You're going to get rejected and bruised. Your job is to grab your lessons and go. Next. Too many of us get unnecessarily weighed down by troubled pasts, broken relationships, and childhood traumas.

When a butterfly emerges from its cocoon, does it bring the cocoon with it? Next.

Today, let the rejection in. Feel the burn. Break the shells surrounding your soul. And remember to let go of them once they break. Next!

uh-oh, don't look down...

2008-01-26T16:09:00.000-08:00

in honor of Wendy & Susannah's birthday, the W&L song currently stuck in my consciousness, and a live Rotterdam clip from 1990 that i saw 4 the first time today!

devil to your knees
and take your hands off me
i thought we were friends
but you lie and lie again.

i hit the wall and the wall came down
i climbed the wall now i wont come down
to give up would be upside down
look up now
dont look down.

i've had hell to pay doing things my way
blessings are disguised, but the devil i recognize.

i hit the wall and the wall came down
i climbed the wall now i wont come down
to give up would be upside down
look up now
dont look down

...now get out the same way you got in.

i ain't got no money

2008-01-26T09:39:00.000-08:00

There is a kabbalistic prayer that says, "listen to us because we are poor."

This is not referring to financial poverty, but rather a state of mind concerning appreciation and the reality of the Light. By being in a state of humility, we gain the realization that all sustenance and fulfillment comes from the Light.

Today, acknowledge your constant dependence on the Light's beneficence. Doing so allows you to receive more – and keep what you already have.

u are the rule

2008-01-25T08:18:00.000-08:00

Here's a thought: the Light loves you.

If the idea of Light or God is too abstract, put it in simple terms. Think of the boundless care a parent has for its child. This is how the Creator feels about you. It might not look or feel that way sometimes, but the disconnection is a trick of the five senses. Beyond it there is love. Only love.

And if the Light loves you - and believes in you – then how can you possibly doubt yourself?

Remember who you are today. And remember who loves ya' baby.

don't go 4 second best, baby!

2008-01-24T23:37:00.000-08:00

wow. big fucking day, all about me and my commitment to changing my life into what i want it to be.

on this cold rainy l.a. day, i started by going to the court to file a Motion to Reopen and Request for Sanctions to rid myself of an annoyance that should have been gone long ago. no, mutherfuckers, i'm not going to roll over and play dead. we could have been civil, but that's not what u wanted. whatever. i have truth on my side.

then, i got out of my session with Dr. Everything'll Be Alright to find a message from the recruiter that i'm on to Round Two. in-person interview and a series of tests. tests? eek! haha, i ain't scared of shit! i have truth on my side.

then, an evening out with Mr. Nothing. i went into this with the distinct impression that it would be that last time i'd see him. my intention was to lay it all on the line, i.e.: when u do (insert insensitive act here), it makes me feel (enter shitty disrespected emotion here). but the rain pushed back the schedule and kinda ruined the opportunity to do that properly. and still, there was an opportunity for me to make it very clear to him that i have boundaries and i am very secure in telling him what they are. good for me to do, and good for him to see. it may still be the end. i stood up, which was empowering and reminded me that further dissection is futile when he. doesn't. get. it. now i gotta letitgo. i have truth on my side.

so i begin not 2 love u
turn around, see me running
i say i loved u years ago
but tell myself u never loved me? no.

time cast a spell on u
but u won't 4get me
i know i could have loved u
but u would not let me

i'll follow u down 'till the sound
of my voice will haunt u
u'll never get away from the sound
of the one man who loved u

i don't wanna hear

2008-01-24T23:10:00.000-08:00

don't tell me u're sorry. don't tell me u miss me. don't tell me u miss seeing me everyday. don't tell me i was the "best roommate ever". don't tell me u spent the night picking up a sleazy guy. don't expect to know everything in my life, because that's a privilege u forfeited when i walked out the door. i'm not gonna be like all the rest. i'm not going to accept whatever little bit u're willing to give on any given day. al fin, it's my way or no way at all.

how do u turn ur eyes
from the romantic glare
how do u block the sound
of a voice u’d know anywhere

oh, i really should have known
by the time u drove me home
by the vagueness in ur eyes
ur casual good-byes
by the chill in ur embrace
the expression on ur face
that told me
maybe u might have some advice 2 give
on how 2 be
insensitive
insensitive
insensitive

how do u free ur soul
after u’ve found a friend
how do u teach ur heart
it’s a crime 2 fall in love again

oh, u probably won’t remember me
it’s probably ancient history
i’m one of the chosen few
who went ahead and fell 4 u
i’m out of vogue, i’m out of touch
i fell 2 fast, I feel 2 much
i thought that u might have
some advice 2 give on how 2 be
insensitive

oh, i know u mean well, or at least u think u do, but damn if u aren't about the most clueless mutherfucker i've ever known. ever. really.

I don't wanna hear, i don't wanna know -Madonna

really, i don't wanna know -Stevie

did u really think i would?

that giggle that u do...

2008-01-24T17:40:00.000-08:00

oh, brendon...

see u laughing

2008-01-23T22:25:00.000-08:00

ah, friends rock. just got this e-mail:

we went to this place called VNYL tonight where everything is of course based on music, and this drink is called Purple Rayne. it's made with, among other things, raspberry puree. i missed you being there.

xoxoxox
s

deeper and deeper

2008-01-23T15:11:00.000-08:00

Some people quit studying Kabbalah when they don't see miracles materializing right away. What they don't understand is if they don't strike gold after two or three digs, they mustn't blame the earth. They must dig deeper.

Dig deeper today. Share until it hurts (or helps.) Dust off those kabbalah books from the shelf and give them another read. Scan Zohar. The treasure is there, you only need to work to reach it. And work hard.

pale shadows of a dusty man

2008-01-23T14:16:00.000-08:00

yes, he made me cry
he made me break down
he shattered my illusions of love

and i'll tell u

that it's over now
i'm learning how
2 pick up the pieces and go home
and go home
and go home

just a wet dream 4 the webzine

2008-01-21T23:28:00.000-08:00

TAKE THIS:

ADD THIS:

AND A DASH OF THIS:

GET THIS:

Okay, so i knew i was in love in Brendon after watching a three-part interview for the Finnish TV show Pop-Ikoniin, which concluded with the following exchange:

P-I: If Panic! at the Disco was a superhero, which superhero you would be?

Brendon: Like one that I make up or like an already existing one?

P-I: U can make it up.

Brendon: Really. (Brief reflective pause) We’ll be like a mix between Prince and Liberace with more flamboyant clothing, if you can imagine that. And I, uh, use your imagination with the superpowers. Just take those two people, put ‘em together – add Freddie Mercury as well – and more flamboyant clothing…

P-I: So they make everyone gay.

Brendon: (Stutters) That’s just one big gay superhero. That’s fine. I mean, f it gets—

P-I: That’s one big man soup.

Brendon: (Smiling) Yeah, that’s one big man soup. If it gets the job done, you know.

P-I: Alright, thanks.

Brendon: There we go! Thank you very much.

P-I: Nice to meet u.

Brendon: U too.